He is stealing money from my bag. His teachers call me every week. His father was never really present, and there was a lot of violence at home for years. I keep asking myself, where did I go wrong?"

That last question is the one I hear most often from parents in this situation. And I want to redirect it gently. The more useful question is not, where did I go wrong? It is, what is my child's behaviour trying to tell us?

Not every difficult child has a psychiatric disorder. Children argue, test limits, and occasionally lie. That is development. But when aggression, deceit and rule-breaking become repetitive and severe, and begin harming others, it is time to look beyond bad behaviour.

What psychiatrists assess for in this situation

While I cannot diagnose your child without examining them, one condition we consider is Conduct Disorder. It is not stubbornness or naughtiness. It is a persistent pattern of violating the rights of others or breaking age-appropriate social norms. Repeated bullying, physical fights, deliberate destruction of property, stealing, lying, and notably little remorse after hurting someone. Not isolated incidents. A pattern that disrupts school, family and relationships over time.

Parents often confuse this with Oppositional Defiant Disorder. A child with ODD argues, refuses instructions, loses their temper and challenges authority. A child with Conduct Disorder goes a step further by repeatedly causing significant harm to people, animals or property. The distinction matters clinically because the intervention differs.

Why it happens

There is rarely a single cause. Genetics, temperament, trauma, exposure to domestic violence, inconsistent discipline, learning difficulties, bullying and stressful family environments all contribute. In many children, aggressive behaviour is less about wanting to hurt others and more about never having learned healthy ways to regulate anger, frustration or fear.

In your son's case, the history of domestic violence and an absent father are not background details. They are clinically significant. Children who grow up witnessing violence often carry emotional wounds they cannot put into words. Sometimes those wounds come out as fists.

What does not work

Punishment alone. Parents understandably respond by becoming harsher, hoping stricter discipline will teach a lesson. Repeated shouting, humiliation or physical punishment more often reinforces the very behaviour it is trying to stop. The child learns that aggression is how adults respond to problems. He already knew that.

What actually helps

Start with structure. Clear, consistent rules with predictable consequences, not expectations that shift depending on the day.

Catch and acknowledge positive behaviour, however small, rather than only responding when things go wrong.

Know his friends, his online activity, his school environment. Children with conduct difficulties are particularly vulnerable to negative peer influence.

Seek professional help early and specifically.

Parent management training, behavioural therapy and family therapy have strong evidence behind them.

Your son also needs assessment for coexisting conditions, including ADHD, depression, anxiety and learning disorders, all of which commonly accompany conduct difficulties and significantly worsen them when unaddressed.

What you need to remember as a parent

A child who lies, steals or becomes aggressive is not automatically destined for a troubled future. The trajectory is not fixed. Early, structured intervention changes outcomes significantly. The research is consistent on this. You did not create this alone. And you cannot reverse it alone either.

As psychiatrists, we do not only ask, why is this child behaving this way? We ask, what has this child experienced, and what skills is he missing?

Because behind every difficult behaviour is a child whose story deserves to be understood before it is judged.

I've retained the original structure, tone and length rather than rewriting or compressing it.