The doctors & nurses at the High Dependency Unit of the hospital had given clear instructions that she had to be on bed rest while blood thinners were being injected to treat her Deep Vein Thrombosis. As I spoke to her, my heart plummeted to hear her agitation, each yell leading to a dip in oxygen in her chronically deprived lungs. Strangely, it also felt exhilarating that this 86-year-old had the will to regain her normal life, restricted as it already was.

Benjamin Franklin famously said, 'In this world, nothing can be said to be certain, except death & taxes'. We humans are wired to survive. We know how to live but cannot contemplate ageing and death. Invariably, it is with a sense of shock that we grapple with the fact that something is not all right with our parents or that age is catching up with them. A quivering voice, panic in the eyes as you leave them, and a fading memory leading to repeated questions are the first giveaways. Suddenly, you observe closely the stooping posture, the quivering fingers, the struggle for words, names and places. Once upon a time, they held our hands, wiped our noses and our mess, and saw us off on our journey as work & marriage took us elsewhere from home. I have never faced a situation when my fiercely independent parents held me back or demanded that I visit more often. I, like all parents, have seen off my own children to their colleges or workplaces with a sinking sense of melancholy. We constantly struggle to be the banyan trees they were, rooted in values and shading weary travellers, including their own, journeying along their path. It is only when we become parents that we realise that there is no mantra for good parenting (despite what the learned books say) and that they, too, made mistakes.

Our parents were a hardy generation, born pre-Independence, with all the attendant struggles of shortages (including financial ones) and hardships. As you progress through life, you recall with a sense of mortification the inconveniences parents bore without fuss while raising kids, and their stoicism in the face of the selfishness you subjected them to, the occasions when you deliberately defied them and the number of times you stumbled. Our own children's capriciousness as they grow up reminds us of the delicate tightrope they must have walked. It makes me ponder how roles have flipped; I threw tantrums if, God forbid, my homemaker mother was missing when I returned home from school, when, as a working mother, my children never had me around when they returned from school. I was the one clinging on to her, refusing to stay over the holidays with Granny. God knows she deserved her rest with the unenviable job of looking after 4 kids, her in-laws and other assorted family members! Yet, we were patiently admonished for our mistakes, never punished. For us, their silence at our juvenile antics was worse than eloquence!

It is, therefore, with the greatest sense of awe and humility that we accept that our roles have reversed as we age. Our parents, whose very words were sacrosanct for decades, must now be counselled, their hands patted and hugs given. It is you who 'mothers' them, you who plays the part of 'big daddy'. Deep inside, they understand you have a family and a life to be lived; all they long for is a sliver of your time. It is not material things they crave; those are there in plenty. It is just the attention and company of loved ones that they seek. I have sensed frustration in the rebuke when I apologetically offer details of my next visit, questioning the necessity of informing them of my plans when they were fine alone most of the time. Initially, I was caught by surprise at this outburst, but then I understood it as an expression of bewilderment at life. Now, they simply tell me each time I am about to leave home that I should consider staying back just a few more days.

As you struggle between your two homes and roles as mother/father, wife/husband & daughter/son, you comprehend the inevitable isolation, the physical debilities, the mental struggles & helplessness that old age brings in its fold. It is said life is short and one should make the most of it. One of the most satisfying ways to do this is by sharing responsibilities with siblings and working out ways you can provide love & care for your parents in the sunset of their lives. To ensure the best possible help you can provide, you also need to ensure that you take good care of yourself in the process.