When Pune-based Atharva*, a legal consultant who loves kids, met his future wife Alka*, she had one clear condition -- she never wanted to have children.
He tells us how he learned to accept and let go, choosing love over his desire to have children.

Illustration: Dominic Xavier/Rediff

'I was embarrassing myself by behaving like this pushy boyfriend-to-be'

I still remember the first time I met my future wife 12 years ago.

We worked in the same office.

She accidentally entered my cabin looking for her colleague.

When she saw me, she immediately apologised and left.

Our eyes barely met but the minute I saw her, I felt a spark.

I didn't know her name or the department she worked in, but I knew that I wanted to be friends with her.

Weeks later, I asked her out for a coffee. She didn't reply and I thought she wasn't interested.

I was persistent and couldn't take No for an answer. I kept finding ways to meet her in office.

One day, she turned around and said 'Let's talk.'

I was too happy and immediately like a puppy, said Yes. I suggested we go to Starbucks.

She immediately cut me off and recommended a local tapri outside our office.

Honestly, at this point I was embarrassing myself by behaving like this pushy boyfriend-to-be.

'I called her a fake feminist and demanded...'

In the lift, when she got a call, I noticed her phone's wallpaper -- it was a photograph of a Labrador (she had grown up with him and he had passed away when she was 20).

Our first date wasn't a romantic one as I had imagined it to be. But it was a reality check.

I ordered a cup of tea while she stood there quietly and told me why she wasn't interested in dating or wasting time in a relationship.

"Look, I don't know you but I am not your type. I don't want to get married. I don't like kids. I like dogs. Do you still want to have coffee with me?"

Honestly, I was stumped.

It was more information than my mind could process. In my defence, I wasn't paying attention to the conditions.

I just heard 'do you still want to have coffee?' and I said 'why not?'

Even today, I remember how her face lit up with a hint of suspicion when she confirmed: Are you sure?

Maybe I wasn't thinking about the future or where our lives would lead us to, but in that moment, I said yes.

When we started dating, my friends often thought I should tell her how I feel because they were certain we'd break up because of the 'no-kids' policy.

I agree it wasn't easy for me bottling up my feelings simply because I didn't want to lose her.

I thought she would come around. But she was adamant and serious about it.

One day, we had a huge argument. I think I called her a fake feminist and demanded to know why she was being so stubborn about not having kids.

'We have stopped explaining ourselves to people who don't need to understand our journey'

After a lot of persuasion, she broke down and explained how she was abused as a kid and why she consciously doesn't want to have children.

I was embarrased but I respected her choice.

Over the course of time, even though I love kids, including my niece and nephew, I could never imagine hurting her or convincing her to have kids.

If she doesn't want to have kids, I was okay with it. I wasn't going to break up with her for this selfish reason.

When she realised that I was keen on becoming a father, she suggested we adopt a dog.

We dated for four years and got married much against our parents' wishes. It's been eight years and people still ask me 'When are you both having kids?'

We have stopped explaining ourselves to people who don't need to understand our journey. Instead we collectively point at Shera, our four-year-old Labrador and say 'Haven't you met our son yet?'

I have realised that marriages are not perfect and neither are people.

There are days when we question each other's decisions and wonder if our lives would have been different if we had met or dated other people. But the fact that we chose each other each only means that our lives were meant to be together.

Names changed to protect privacy*

Dear Reader, would you like to share your relationship challenges with us?
How is your marriage is different from your parents' marriage?
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