RediffGURU Kanchan Rai, a mind coach and founder of Let Us Talk Foundation, suggests how to adapt and find the middle ground in a relationship.
Illustration: Dominic Xavier/Rediff
Life after marriage can often be unpredictable.
For most women, the shift from their maternal home to their sasural where they have to get used to new family dynamics can be overwhelming.
While no one is truly right or wrong, rediffGURU Kanchan Rai, a mind coach and founder of Let Us Talk Foundation, explains how to deal adapt and deal with this contrast.
- You can post your marriage and relationship-related questions for rediffGURU Kanchan Rai HERE
Anonymous: I miss privacy after marriage.
I moved in to my husband's house after our marriage last year. But adjusting to a joint family has been harder than I expected.
There is always someone around so I have to dress appropriately. Relatives walk into our bedroom without knocking.
Their rules are very different from ours.
I have grown up with a lot of independence in what I wear, eat, etc. Here, I have to cook at least one meal, sometimes for unexpected guests and compromise about what I eat.
I moved in hoping to live with and love his family but this lack of personal space and independence is making me irritable and anxious.
Our thoughts and principles don't match.
My husband has taken a huge loan to buy this house so he will not agree to move out.
How do I talk to my husband about how I feel trapped here?
What you're experiencing feels overwhelming because it's new to you, not because it is 'wrong' in itself.
In many joint families, things like shared spaces, open movement in the house, less privacy and collective responsibilities are quite normal. People grow up with that system so for them it doesn't feel intrusive; it feels like family closeness.
At the same time, you come from a background where privacy, independence and personal boundaries were natural so the contrast feels like a loss.
Both realities are valid. Neither is completely right or wrong -- they are just different value systems.
This is also something that ideally should be discussed before marriage. But since it wasn't, you are now learning and adjusting in real time -- which is understandably difficult.
Now, the goal is not to reject the joint family system or force yourself to accept everything silently. The goal is to find a middle ground where you can function without losing yourself.
When you talk to your husband, acknowledge his reality too. That will make him more open to hearing you.
You can say something like: 'I understand this is how your family has always lived and I respect that. But for me this is very new and I'm struggling to adjust to the lack of personal space. I don't want to disrespect anyone but I also need some space to feel comfortable.'
This way, you are not attacking his family; you are explaining your adjustment challenge.
Also, instead of expecting a complete change, focus on small, realistic adjustments like:
- A basic level of privacy in your room (like knocking)
- Some flexibility in daily expectations
- Clear communication about responsibilities
In joint families, change usually doesn't happen suddenly -- it happens gradually and through understanding, not confrontation.
Here's one important mindset shift for you:
- Adjustment doesn't mean losing yourself completely.
- But it also doesn't mean expecting the environment to become exactly like your old life.
You are now learning how to live between two worlds.
If both you and your husband handle this with patience and respect, it can become manageable. If either side becomes rigid, then it starts feeling like suffocation.
So your task is not to 'fit in perfectly' but to adapt without disappearing.
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