When Bengaluru-based Shweta agreed to an arranged marriage, she believed she had found the perfect balance between tradition and modernity. But a quiet conflict over religion at home soon began to test her relationship with her husband.

Photograph: Dominic Xavier/Rediff

*

Shweta still remembers the first time she met Arjun*.

It was an arranged marriage but the conversation flowed easily. Shweta worked at Barclays, was financially independent and had a refreshingly modern outlook on life. Arjun admired her confidence and openness. Shweta, on the other hand, appreciated that Arjun respected her career and independence.

When the topic of living arrangements came up, Arjun was honest.

He wanted to continue living with his parents after marriage.

Shweta thought about it and agreed. She had no problem living in a joint family as long as there was mutual respect and understanding.

For a while, everything seemed perfectly fine.

But after a few months of marriage, a seemingly small issue slowly began turning to a major conflict.

Religious expectations

Arjun's mother is deeply religious.

Every day without fail, she performs puja and cleans the family temple. It is a routine she has followed for years.

After Shweta entered the household, the expectation quietly shifted towards her.

She was now expected to take over the daily ritual, performing puja and cleaning the temple seven days a week.

For Shweta, this isn't practical.

She has a demanding full-time job and long work hours. While she respected the family's traditions, she didn't feel she could commit to a daily ritual.

"I can do it on Saturdays and Sundays," she says. "But I can't manage this every single day."

To Shweta, it felt like a reasonable compromise. But Arjun felt stuck.

He knew that saying this to his mother would upset her deeply. As an only child, he felt he had to protect her feelings.

Soon, what began as a household expectation turned into an emotional conflict.

The debate about children

The tension didn't stop there.

When conversations about children -- that they hoped to have in future came -- another difference surfaced.

Arjun wanted their children to grow up deeply religious, praying daily and following the same rituals practised in his home.

Shweta disagreed.

She wasn't against religion. In fact, she said she would happily celebrate festivals like Diwali or Holi and introduce their children to traditions.

But she didn't want to enforce daily rituals.

"I want them to decide how religious they want to be when they grow up," she says.

For Arjun and his family, however, religion is an integral part of a child's upbringing.

The disagreement soon became a recurring argument.

Eventually, the couple decided to seek help from a psychologist who specialises in couples therapy.

How to deal with such a situation

According to the psychologist, conflicts like these are increasingly common in modern marriages, especially when partners come from homes with very different expectations regarding tradition and autonomy.

The psychologist told them that in arranged marriages today, couples often align on education, careers and lifestyle but deeper value systems like religion, parenting and family roles are sometimes not discussed until after marriage.

The key is not to treat the issue as a right versus wrong debate.

Instead, the conversation needed to shift towards shared values and workable compromises.

For Arjun, that means learning to communicate honestly with his mother rather than shielding her from difficult conversations.

As per the psychologist, for a marriage to work, a partner cannot remain only a son or daughter. They also have to step into the role of a spouse.

At the same time, Shweta's concerns also need validation.

Her willingness to participate in religious rituals on weekends already indicates openness toward the family's traditions.

The goal should not be to eliminate differences; the goal should be to create a family culture where both partners feel respected.

For now, Arjun and Shweta are still working through these conversations.

*Names changed to protect privacy

Dear Reader, would you like to share your relationship challenges with us? How is your marriage different from your parents' marriage? What are the challenges that you are facing that they never did? And how do you deal with them? Do let us know if you would like us to keep your name anonymous.

We hope this series will help other readers navigate their relationships.

Write to us at getahead@rediff.co.in (subject: Modern relationships).